Day 4 – Controlled Drinking
Day 4 – Controlled Drinking
Tonight’s post is proving difficult. I know I want to write. I know I made a commitment to myself to write, and post, every day for at least 30 days. But the words don’t want to flow out of my head. The reason behind this is, I was hit hard with a memory from my drinking days tonight.
No matter how much I try to control my drinking, I’m always off balance.
The topic for the meeting I went to was out of the Big Book about how normal drinkers drink for conviviality, companionship, etc. It goes on to say that it was that way with us as alcoholics too, in the beginning. But towards the end, drinking brought misery and depression.
As the chairperson was saying his piece about the topic I started thinking back to my own drinking days. My first legal drink with my friends at camp. The feeling that everything was okay. I could finally breathe and feel comfortable in my own skin. But that’s where the good feelings ended for me.
As I was thinking back over the years that I drank, I don’t think I ever had fun. Sure, I could be witty and fun. Talk to anyone about anything. Dance like I didn’t have a care in the world. But inside I was always troubled. In one form or another I was always controlling my drinking.
When I was at the bar, it was controlling how much I drank so I didn’t run out of money too soon. Or, if I was with someone I knew, controlling how much I drank so they wouldn’t notice how much I was drinking.
When I went to a party with a friend, I would control how much I drank so I wouldn’t start stumbling around, slurring my words, and look like an idiot. Or, end up puking in front of everyone. I remember one New Year’s Eve vividly. I went to a party with a friend, and didn’t control my drinking well. I made it to the bathroom in time, but ended up puking all over the wall behind the toilet. Talk about embarrassing.
When I was at family gatherings it was controlling how much I drank so my dad wouldn’t get on me for drinking too much. He was always concerned about me drinking any amount, and then driving home.
This revelation was quite startling because I always had the idea that I had fun when I drank. I only remembered the good times. The happy feeling, or the feeling that alcohol cured my worries, at least for a little while.
But coming to the realization that I never had fun while I was drinking? For some reason that’s a hard pill to swallow. I guess it goes to show it doesn’t matter how much sober time I have, I am still able to romanticize drinking. Thankfully my Higher Power sends me reminders like tonight, and reminds me that my life is so much better sober, than it ever was drinking.
Originally published January 9, 2017 – medium.com