Day 9 – Facing Fear
Day 9 – Facing Fear
Today I spent much of the day in fear, worrying about the weather. Something that’s out of my control. I know logically that I cannot control the weather, but I still worried about it. Tonight, and all day tomorrow, there is supposed to be an ice storm hitting a big part of our state. I can do snow, no problem. I’ve driven in snow my entire life, and I know how to drive in it. But ice, that’s another story.
I had just a taste of what my car does on ice a couple of weeks ago. It had already snowed, and then it rained on top of the snow. I was coming up to a stop sign, and I was doing the correct thing by pumping my brakes, but I wasn’t slowing down. Holy shit. Talk about panic moment. Thankfully there was a driveway for a community center to my right, before the stop sign, and I pulled in there.
So, on Friday, when the weather forecasters were predicting this huge ice storm coming our way, I started to get scared. What was the weather going to do Sunday? How about Monday? I was scheduled to work both Sunday and Monday, and I went into problem solving mode. I’ll see what the weather does on Sunday, and plan from there.
Well, today (Sunday) came, and it has been raining all day. Thankfully the roads weren’t icy on the way home from work this afternoon, but things were starting to get icy. Since this storm can go either way tomorrow, a lot of ice, or a lot of rain, I decided to go the safe route and plan on calling in to work.
Making that decision didn’t take away the fear of tomorrow. I know I can’t control what the weather is going to do, and I am still fearful. What if we get a lot of ice, and it takes down the power lines? What if a tree falls and knocks out the power? What if, what if, what if.
I am a master at playing the what if game. I can come up with the worst possible scenarios you could ever imagine. But going through all the what ifs doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel worse. Every time I worry about something, and start coming up with what ifs, I am drained of energy. Tonight for example, I am exhausted. All because I was worried about the stupid weather.
Facing fears in sobriety isn’t easy. I wish I could say there’s a magic button you push that makes fear go away. But there isn’t. The closest thing I’ve found to a magic button is my Higher Power. When the fear is upon me, and I can’t shake it, I pray. If that doesn’t seem to help, I talk to someone about it. Or, I write it out in a fear inventory. What I don’t do is keep it locked in my head. That is the fastest way for my fear to grow.
So tonight, instead of worrying about what tomorrow will bring, I’m writing to you dear reader. Then, I’m going to snuggle with my kitties, say a little prayer, and trust that my Higher Power will take care of me.
Originally published January 15, 2017 – medium.com