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Day 13 – Gone In An Instant

Day 13 – Gone In An Instant
Day 13 – Gone In An Instant

Today I found out one of my co-workers passed away yesterday. Quite shocking to me because she was young. In her mid-30’s to early 40’s. She passed away in her sleep. I didn’t know her well because she worked in a different area than me, but I would see her in passing and always say hi. She also had the same name as my sister. A rare name. Every time I would pass her and say hi, I felt like I was connecting with my sister on some level.

Finding out my co-worker passed so suddenly got me to thinking about my own life. The life I’ve lived so far. The life I would like to live in the future. My bucket list of sorts. I thought about what I would still like to do with my life. All the things I would like to accomplish still. And, what would happen if I died suddenly.

I also think about everything I’ve been through in my life as an alcoholic. I believe I’ve been given a second chance at life. That I don’t deserve to be living right now. I think about the amount of grace I’ve received from my Higher Power to let me live another day.

I think back to those nights at the end of my drinking career, begging god to end my life. Take me in my sleep so I won’t have to suffer anymore. Thinking about suicide, but never having the guts to go through with it. The utter despair and depression I lived in for so long. It still amazes me today that I am alive and sober.

I choose today to live my life to the fullest, despite not feeling like I deserve to live. I know my Higher Power wants me on this Earth for some reason. Otherwise I would have been gone a long time ago. Instead of dwelling on all the bad things happening in my life, or this world, I try to focus on what I can change. What kind of contribution can I make on this Earth while I’m still here?

It is because of my second chance at life that I don’t take many things for granted today. Maybe it’s the stoic in me, but I do think about what would happen if I died in my sleep. I think about what people would say about me if I died tomorrow. Would they say I was a kind person? Or, would they say I was a rotten bitch, and wish they’d never met me?

What I strive for today is to be the kind of person who values others. When I am gone, I want people to say I had an impact on their life. I want them to say I was a kind and gentle person. And, when I die, I want to die knowing I did everything I could to be a better person. To die with no regrets. To die knowing I didn’t waste my second chance at living. And, to die without any unfinished amends or unfinished business.

My challenge to you today is, ask yourself, “am I living life to the fullest”? Are you grateful for your life today, or do you take things for granted? Do you have unfinished business, or unfinished amends today? Answer those questions honestly, and if you aren’t doing so yet, live like there’s no tomorrow.

Originally published January 19, 2017 – medium.com

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