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Day 28 – When Memories of Suicidal Thoughts Attack

Day 28 – When Memories of Suicidal Thoughts Attack
Day 28 – When Memories of Suicidal Thoughts Attack

Today I was hit hard with memories of suicidal thoughts from my drinking days. I felt like my memories were attacking me in a way because they came on so suddenly, and hit with such force that I was almost knocked over. Since I don’t remember much of my drinking days, especially the year after my mom died, it is painful when I do remember.

What triggered the memories today was the song “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by The Clash. This song is in the opening scene of “28 Days”, the movie with Sandra Bullock. What makes this song and movie significant for me is, I used to get drunk while watching it, and wish I was Gwen (Sandra Bullock’s character).

The memories that came were the times I would watch that movie, wish I could get in trouble like Gwen, and go to rehab. During those times, I was in so much pain from the loss of my mom, and later, pain and anger, that I would think about suicide. I thought my pain was too enormous to overcome, and that it would be easier if I wasn’t alive anymore. Thankfully I never went through with those thoughts, but a part of me wonders if my life would be different today if I had put thought into action.

The painful part about remembering the times I thought about suicide is, I never reached out to anyone. I learned growing up that asking for help made me weak. It wasn’t something I was verbally taught, I just learned it. I became self-sufficient because it was the only way to survive my life growing up. Later in life this would bite me in the ass because I could never ask for help from anyone without feeling weak.

When these thoughts of suicide would come, while I was drunk, I would think “I need help. I need counseling”. But then, after that thought, I would hear “Don’t tell anyone because they’ll think you’re trying to get attention”. I thought, in my sick and twisted mind, that getting therapy, or getting locked up in a mental hospital for thoughts of suicide, would be attention seeking. Fucked up, I know.

Later, when the thoughts didn’t go away after I got sober, it was fear that kept me from reaching out. By that time, I had a full-time job, 2 cats at home, and my family an hour to two hours away from me. I was scared about what would happen to my job if I got locked up. I was scared about what would happen to my kitties if I got locked up. I was scared about what people would think about me if I got locked up. I was scared, period.

One thing that kept me from doing the deed in sobriety was writing out how I would do it. I was at my limit, or so I thought, and I was giving serious thought to killing myself. I couldn’t drink to take away the feelings of despair, so I thought suicide was my only option. I wrote out the steps I would take, how I would do it, but when I came to the part about writing a letter to my sponsor and my uncle, I stopped. Thinking and writing about telling my sponsor and my uncle that I couldn’t live anymore was enough to stop me in my tracks. Thinking about the pain and burden I would be putting on them was enough that time to stop me from proceeding.

I have no explanation today for why I am still here. Still here today with no thoughts of suicide for a while now. No explanation today for how I overcame those thoughts and didn’t put thought into action. No explanation except that some Power greater than me wants me on this earth still.

I know today that I have some purpose to serve in life. I know that because I am still here to talk about my experiences today. I am here to share my experiences so that maybe I can reach someone out there who feels the way I did. Reach someone who is struggling and tell them that they are not alone.

You are not alone. Always remember that. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, or life in general, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Suicide is a scary and serious thing. But, it is also not the answer to any problems. I’ve learned from my experiences that suicide is a selfish way to leave this world. I thought my problems would all be over if I wasn’t living anymore, but what I didn’t think about was my family, and the aftermath I would be leaving behind.

Looking back now, I realize the fear of what people would think of me if I got locked up is small potatoes compared to what I went through. I see now that I could have saved myself so much agony and pain if I had reached out to someone. And, that I am blessed to be alive.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is: 1-800-273-8255.

Originally published February 3, 2017 – medium.com

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2 Comments
  • Wildbilly says:

    I was told by someone once after I complained about a problem that was consuming me and mentioned I would be better off just putting a bullet in my head. She replied “Sounds like a long term solution for a short term problem.” The she added that “I looked like she needed a hug!” It made me laugh and realize she was right.

    • Mindy F. says:

      Long term solution to a short term problem indeed. It’s funny how, in the moment, problems seem so insurmountable, and we find “quick fixes” instead of facing the difficulty head on. Not all problems are like that though, especially in the midst of depression and suicidal thoughts. Thankfully there is a way out of that dark hole. And sometimes, a hug does wonders! Thanks for reading!

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