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Telling The Negative Voice In My Head To Fuck Off

Telling The Negative Voice In My Head To Fuck Off
Telling The Negative Voice In My Head To Fuck Off

I have a little voice in my head that tells me lies. You probably have one too. It’s like the angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other. One tells you nice things like “Don’t forget to make your bed”, and “You are awesome”. The other says “You know they’re talking about you. You should just drink now and get it over with”. It’s taken a long time for me to discern between the negative voice, and the positive voice. And, even longer to learn how to tell the negative voice to shut the fuck up.

Lately, that negative voice has been talking to me a lot. I am sharing my story at one of our meetings this Friday night, in front 30 – 50 people, and that little voice is saying “you’re not really an alcoholic. You’re not a good enough member to share your story. You don’t work the Program well enough to share your story”. To that I say, fuck off. I can say that today because I know my truth. Do I work the Steps perfectly? No. Am I an alcoholic? Yes. Am I good enough to share my story? Hell yes.

Another lie that voice is telling me is, “you’re not pretty enough for any guy to like you, or want to date you”. This one took some time to fight off. For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with my self-esteem. My teeth aren’t straight. My ears stick out like Dumbo’s. My face gets red when I’m hot, or nervous. Sometimes I stumble over my words when I’m nervous. You know, human things. Oh, the horror!!

But, that’s not what makes me me today. All those qualities I listed above, my teeth, ears, and face, are just my human form. I know today that my human form is just a finite part of who I am. The real me, the true essence of my being, resides inside of me. In my soul. In the breath my creator gave me. In my thoughts and knowledge (or lack thereof). It lies in the scars I wear proudly on my arm and ankle from when I cut myself after my mom died, and burned myself with a cigarette. It lies in the phoenix feather tattoo on my forearm, ever reminding me of the fires that I have been through, and of the ashes from which I was re-born. It lies in the gift of being a healer, and being able to intuitively know how to help people around me.

Some days the negative voice is easy to overcome. Other days, when I’ve been beaten down just enough, that voice gets harder to tell off. On the days when I can’t quite muster a “fuck you”, I talk to someone. I tell someone what’s going on in my head. I tell them that I’m struggling with bad thoughts. And then, that negative voice loses its power over me. Or, I journal. I write down every nasty, horrible thought that the negative voice is making me think, and it loses its power again.

The key to making the negative voice shut up lies in knowing my truth. Knowing what is real, and what is not. It lies in standing tall and not taking any bullshit from anyone, not even the voice in my head. And, it takes practice. Sometimes I have to say fuck off a few times before the voice quiets down, but I don’t give up either. I keep saying it until I believe it. Until the negative voice gives up, and quiets down.

I know I have the power today to shut that negative voice down. Today, I believe in myself, and I know my worth.

You have the power too, deep inside. Ask yourself, are the negative voices in my head controlling me today? If so, you can stop them. Believe in yourself, your power, and your worth. And tell those negative voices to fuck off.

Originally published February 22, 2017

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