Time For A Mental Bulldozing
Time For A Mental Bulldozing
It’s time for a mental bulldozing. I’ve felt myself spiraling out of control these past few months, but had no idea how to stop it. Depression set in. My anxiety was through the roof for a while. Everything has been getting to me. I’ve got so many ideas in my head about starting a Recovery Community Center, and becoming a Recovery Coach, but no motivation to take that first step towards my dreams. In other words, my life has become unmanageable again.
Things have gotten so bad that I haven’t been able to find the motivation or courage to write a new post. Despondency has taken over my life, and I hate it. But, that ends today.
There are three A’s that are useful in overcoming any challenge: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. The first step in overcoming this challenge I face is Awareness. Being aware that there is a problem is huge for me, because it means that this problem has become something that is affecting my everyday life.
This awareness wasn’t sudden. It has come after a lot of pain, and struggling just to make it through the day. Depression so thick that I can’t even muster enough strength to cook turkey to make tacos: one of the easiest meals I could choose to make. Anxiety so bad that I couldn’t stand up in my 12-Step meeting and talk about my experience with sponsorship because I had a flashback from grade school that was triggered by my deodorant. And, using up 4 GB of data in less than a month because I was on my phone or computer so much, trying to fight off the sense of loneliness and dis-ease I was feeling. Turning to Facebook to “connect” with people because I couldn’t connect with anyone in real life.
All the above was difficult to face. Being aware that there was a problem, and stepping into that darkness, was painful. But, I had to do it so I could reach the second step, which is:
The second A is Acceptance. Accepting that I have a problem, that my life has become unmanageable again, really sucks. I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman. I don’t need help often. More often than not, I’m helping someone with their problems because my life is (in my head) boring.
But, that doesn’t mean that I’m invincible. I have pain and trouble too. It just takes me a bit longer to become aware of it because I’m busy helping everyone else. It’s not until the pain becomes strong enough that I realize something is wrong.
Reaching that level of acceptance was painful at first, but it is turning into freedom. I’m currently making a list of of the things and people that need to go. Mostly online things like pages on Facebook, outside sites like medium.com and Quora. But, I’ve also started making a list of people on Facebook that need to go. Currently I’ve un-followed all my friends and family, except for my little sister, on Facebook. Since that’s my number one go-to site that I visit most frequently, I decided to start there.
Now that I’ve accepted that I have a problem, and recognized where my life has become unmanageable, it’s time for the third A:
I must tell you, in the week since I un-followed everyone on Facebook, I’ve felt a new sense of freedom. I’m able to focus more on my feelings. I find myself spending less time online. And, I’m able to focus on making a game plan for starting my journey towards becoming a Recovery Coach. Today, I’m meeting up with my sponsor, whom I haven’t seen or talked to in a month. I found the motivation last night to cook something that required more effort to cook than tacos. And, I’m writing this post.
I’m also beginning to take steps, action, to free myself from medium.com.
I know this will be an arduous journey at times. I know there will be times when my efforts to take action will be foiled. It won’t be easy. But, by integrating the three A’s into my problem of unmanageability, and bulldozing my mental space, I know that it will be far easier to face than if I had ignored the problem in the first place.
Here’s to cleaning out the old, and bringing in the new.